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The new Late Show continued on Wednesday incident-free with Scarlett Johansson, Tesla CEO Elon Musk and Kendrick Lamar. While Colbert beat him on his first night, Fallon stormed well ahead the following two nights. Ever the consummate writer-performer, Colbert said that despite his mortal fear in the moment, he knew he could make comedic hay out of the situation no matter what happened.

It was an evidently vain hope on my part that Stephen Colbert would even attempt to blow up the format and create another appointment-viewing show. And then things got weird. To give you an idea of how stressful that must be, “The Late Show” was supposed to premiere at 11:35 p.m. that night.

“You could imagine how exciting that was for all of us, after CBS had plastered my face on every flat surface on the planet”, he said.

The very first presidential candidate to bravely step into Colbert’s show as it debuted was Jeb Bush. “When Stephen looked up to listen to them, they calmed down a little bit and explained that they were angry that Uber is taking away jobs from cab drivers and is disrupting the New York City taxi system”.

His ability to point out the absurdity that surrounds politics is so razor-sharp, it’s as if he never took a nine month break off the air.

On the second night of NBC’s “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” going head-to-head against CBS’ “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert”, Colbert narrowly beat out Fallon in household ratings, but Fallon won the race in one key demographic, 18-49-year-olds.

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The Chicago Tribune was unimpressed, calling Colbert’s debut “inauspicious”. This features Colbert wearing a big furry hat as he establishes social guidelines for our world.

“The show almost didn’t get on the air last night”. Among society’s new laws: “On a really hot day, anyone who says ‘hot enough for you?’ to another person will immediately be set on fire”.