President Obama On Turkey Pardon: ‘Time Flies Even If Turkeys Don’t’

“As you may have heard”, President Obama said, “for months there has been a fierce competition between a bunch of turkeys trying to wing their way into the White House”.

House Speaker Paul Ryan said that by signing the bill, Obama “reaffirms longstanding prohibitions on the transfer of Guantanamo Bay detainees to the United States”. Honest did not attend.

The President also thanked his daughters for putting up with the idiosyncrasy of the rite and for being there with him. They are growing up so fast!

Turkeys bred for eating are so fat it is unlikely they will survive a year after being pardoned. “Time flies, even if turkeys don’t”, he added. “They do this exclusively because it makes me feel good”. His youngest daughter giggled, nearly uncontrollably, covering her mouth before blurting, “That was good, that was good”. Under the watchful eye of the National Turkey Federation, Abe grew from a tiny chick to a massive bird weighing in at 40 pounds.

President Barack Obama’s daughters joined their father once again for the annual White House turkey pardoning ceremony on Wednesday, even mustering up a few chuckles at Obama’s abhorrent puns.

“As Americans travel this weekend to be with their loved ones, I want them to know that our counterterrorism, intelligence, homeland security and law enforcement professionals at every level are working overtime”, Obama said.

Less seriously, Obama noted that one of the turkeys got very close to White House aide David Simas.

“It’s hard to believe this is my seventh year of pardoning a turkey”, he began. Obama said that, later in the day, he and his family will “take some of the less fortunate turkey brothers with us” to help serve meals to homeless veterans.

In China, though, one social media user suggested a more suitable use of a presidential pardon this year.

“While the threat of terrorism is a troubling reality of our age, we are both equipped to prevent attacks and we are resilient in the face of those who would try to do us harm”, Obama said. “You think it’s amusing too, don’t you?”