Disappointing ‘Pixels’ falls apart before it begins

Sandler is so inert through such wildly outlandish situations, that it nearly feels like Pixels is designed, beneath the video-game adventure and shameless ’80s pandering, as a vehicle for Adan Sandler to express his self-loathing. Set in the near future, Sandler’s feature-length version adds a bit of back story: In the 1980s, the United States tries to make contact with alien civilizations by launching a time capsule into space, including the era’s most popular arcade games.

This disappointing comedy falls apart before it begins because no one would behave the way its characters do, and their ridiculous choices drive the action.

“Part of the problem is that it’s unclear who the filmmakers think their audience is”, Cohen wrote. Unfortunately, thanks to Sandler and Pixels, chances are we’ll never get the opportunity to see an adaptation of Cline’s novel on the big, middle, or small screen.

The movie’s PG-13 rating and relatively low violence quotient also makes it safe for general family consumption. Dinklage, in prison, wants to blackmail the US government into providing him with a forced 3-some with two women who don’t fit traditional beauty standards (sadly, that got the biggest laugh in the theater I was in). Despite a few inspired moments, and the presence of Peter Dinklage, this is your typical Sandler film that his Happy Madison production company has churned out the last 15 years or so. It’s 1982, and Sam Brenner and Will Cooper are a couple of pre-teen boys excited about the new arcade in their neighborhood.

He admittedly loves playing “Space Invaders” and “Defender”, but he wasn’t good at those games. But he also acquires his first nemesis, the mulleted showoff Eddie “Fireblaster” Plant, who bests Sam in “Donkey Kong” to take the crown.

Sandler, looking puffy and bored, plays Sam, a Geek Squad-style technician who installs fancy television and gaming equipment in people’s homes.

Pixels opens across Canada on July 24.

Will snaps into action when a U.S. territory is mysteriously attacked from the sky.

The visuals in the film are absolutely stunning, and the film does an exceptional job of capturing the extreme nature of the video game characters’ destruction. Whaddaya know; it looks just like Galaga! Brenner, we’re both shown and told, was once the “best of the best”, a video arcade gamer/savant who nearly won the 1982 World Video Arcade Championships (second place is for losers apparently). Joining them is Lt. Col. Violet Van Patten (Michelle Monaghan), who underlines the Ghostbusters connection when she prepares for a major confrontation with the words, “See you on the other side!”

Sam’s friends are the only source of levity, even if they’re as unbelievable as Paul Blart as president. And so, President Chewie enlists Renner to save the world alongside their childhood friend Ludlow, once a precocious wunderkind, now a conspiracy-spouting weirdo played by Josh Gad. And the movie’s riff on “Fistful Of Quarters” bad guy Billy Mitchell, the hyper-blustery Eddie (Peter Dinklage) is in jail, and deservedly. He’s still wearing a mullet, but now he’s in jail for criminal hacking.

As for the whole alien invasion video game thing, suffice to say the film stays visually busy. Jane Krakowski is the first lady.

Justin Chang of Variety complained Pixels serves up a “barrage of witless one-liners, strained reaction shots and aggressively inane celebrity cameos”. The soundtrack of Cheap Trick, Queen and Spandau Ballet match well with the ’80s game imagery. Certain supporting characters get pixelated by the alien video game characters, and their agonized screams and slow disintegration suggest they’re being painfully killed. Too bad they couldn’t get their digital hands on this script.

Pixels is rated PG. 106 minutes. Rated PG-13 for some language and suggestive comments. In one standout scene, Pac-Man attacks New York while four ghosts – in this case four Mini Coopers – chase him up and down city streets.