‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap: One Person Quits, Two Others Arrive

Are you feening for some sadness? Did you watch the last episode? Read only if you want to know more about it.].

For those of you who don’t know, Former contenders from “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” get a second chance at love as they explore new relationships in an isolated Mexican locale. That means Girl Power and making room for some handsome new arrivals. So many tears this season. Apparently this is how Lauren starts conversations when she is “nervous”. So first, lets do a quick review of who is in this seasons cast. JJ was wondering “why the hell” Tenley was into him.

When Tenley pulls Joshua aside, JJ, the jerk from Kaitlyn’s season, is not happy; he believes he is in a relationship with Tenley after giving her his rose. Like poop.

And Ashley, was on her own when her sister left and Jared had seemingly moved on.

Joshua likes Tenley Molzahn. After all, the “football players take the girls out”. Nor do they want Juelia to be taken for granted. Classy dude. Then moonshine Joe appears.

On the other hand, we learn quickly that Juelia is very into Joe and that Joe has no idea what the hell is happening.

And that is a concern when it comes to Joe.

Before Joshua and Tenley go on their date, we are surprised at the arrival of Joe, my man from Kentucky who was also on Kaitlyn’s season.

Ok, back to Josh and Tenley. In the beginning of their conversation, Joshua tells Tenley he was in college for five years, and now we know why he’s an industrial welder. Claire being a woman who hasn’t used up all of her time there to either run off to cry or seclude herself with her sister. Yep, tears! Juelia left the date ecstatic, but Joe revealed to a producer that he didn’t think Juelia was smart, didn’t like kissing her, and just wanted her rose so he could date Samantha. They had a great date, but the second they got back, JJ swooped in to take Tenley on “a real one on one”. She finds him sexy, which prompts a make-out sesh in the water. But she kissed JJ too when she got back to the beach. And so she refocuses her attention on JJ. He really turned on his charm.

“The night of the cocktail party, Jonathan and Mikey try to convince Juelia that Joe is playing her. Clare lectures the entire cast in one of the strangest Paradise tantrums to date”.

“She’s the chilliest girlfriend you can ever have”. Ashley I.! She (of course) started (ugly) crying. Swing and a miss. She stuck around for a while but remained largely anonymous.

Yup, all signs point to single. And when it came to Tenley, he then tried to downplay his earlier comments by telling her his past experiences were all overstated.

The most drama, though, was when Jared had a date card, and asked out Clare. Read on for details and her best Instagram photos.

The Jared, Clare and Ashley love triangle isn’t the only exciting drama to look forward to in episode 2B of “Bachelor in Paradise”. “I bleeping would have kicked the s– out of him and that would have been the solution”. He confronted Claire about being hurt and she started crying. The next morning, she was having a little pow wow with the guys when she revealed she’s a “mistress”. Mikey contemplates quitting, with Kirk joking that the wedding vision board is in shambles.

Clare screamed and cried back.

Joe had a lot of hype to live up to, but he failed miserably. Apparently, none of these guys have been in the ocean before. And who will be the first guys eliminated in Season 2? So he got his tux all wet, and that’s basically all I remember about him.

Paradise offers an amped up version of the regular show, where right off the bat there is drama, gossip, fighting and blossoming “love”.

And then there’s the Clare-Jared date, complete with catamaran ride, apparent crotch grabs and the revelation that it’s been some time since she’s been intimate with a man. And he gets her chest puppies barking. Jonathan said he’s the exact opposite of Joe.

“I love being a mistress”, Lauren added. However, it doesn’t seem like any of the other people really care. Maybe Carly and Kirk, but everyone else is batshit insane. These guys may not have won Kaitlyn’s heart, but “Bachelor in Paradise” is certainly giving them the 16 minute of fame they hated Nick for. The tissue budget alone probably exceeds my annual salary.